Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood