Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
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Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
This is the coolest video you will see today.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.