[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me too
knights of the ikea table
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.