Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
You Might Also Like
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
yeah not falling for this one
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”