@HandfulOfLewds

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

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@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@GreenishDuck

Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.

@trims_the_fat

I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.

I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date

Much more satisfying.

@CrisMtzgr

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

@HenpeckedHal

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

@justabloodygame

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

@gavinpivott

My step-dad’s pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?

@LurkAtHomeMom

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

@TamiDaBushPilot

I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.