Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him


Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.


I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.

I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date

Much more satisfying.


Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”


To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.


“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.


My step-dad’s pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?


5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?


I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.