Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Put the is in disheveled
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Admin smashed it 😂
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
OH. COME. ON.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.