Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
there’s a phone number
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Boss: Have you ever been fired?
Me: Depends on who you ask
B: If I ask your last employer?
Me: They’d say yes
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!