Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I think that’s enough internet for one day…