me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

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My Wife does this cute thing where she says that “actions speak louder than words” and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.


The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.


Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder


In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.


Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.


One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.


[doctor gets job as 911 operator]

“What’s your emergency?”


“Hmm ok let’s wait a few weeks and see how it is then”


First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…


Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.