me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]