@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

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@AIanHangover

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

@roxaroodw

Apparently it’s inappropriate to ask where her shoes are from when you’re in the next stall.

@theroyaltramp

IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.

@JessObsess

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

@krissywillbretz

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

@ericsshadow

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”