*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to ask where her shoes are from when you’re in the next stall.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.
Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Brain: stop eating!
B: you’ll get fat
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[invention of wine]
guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years
guy: to drink it, obviously
friend: are u okay
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”