Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Would you wear it?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”