me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.