Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?


Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow


*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*


I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe


Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?


Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.


boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly