Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
This is true.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am