Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
You Might Also Like
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly