@soundslikecin

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

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@LizerReal

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

@GinAndJif

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

@5hael

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

@KylePlantEmoji

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

@sweet_pea707

*interview*

So, why do you want to be a judge?

*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”

@Contwixt

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.