Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
So, why do you want to be a judge?
*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.