ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
the world’s most popular steaming services
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.