ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Warm pools make me nervous.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking