ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it


Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?


I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.


*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—


“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.


I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.


How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*


6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?



Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.


You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.


I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.