Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
What?!?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Phonetics
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.