The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom
OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!