@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

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@TheFemKilljoy

The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.

@NotthatAdamWest

Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered

@jazz_inmypants

50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom

OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing

@chuuew

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

@chuuew

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

@mrjohndarby

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@TheAlexNevil

*intercom

SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!