Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

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Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.


Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.


My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.


*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.



people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over


[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent


I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.


white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy


The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?