@ThugRaccoons

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

@heatherlou_

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

@chellemybell22

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

@3sunzzz

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

@rachelle_mandik

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

@papasuncle

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

@Contwixt

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

@datassque

white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy

@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!