Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Nobody ever collects famous first words.