Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Accurate
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.