When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.