ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Breaking news:
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.