Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
DOCTOR: congratulations it鈥檚 a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It鈥檚 a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I鈥檝e been single for too long
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
definitely did not do anything wrong
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I鈥檓 waiting.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
i love that my tweets still say i鈥檓 tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 馃П
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
everything i鈥檝e learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: I鈥檓 going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No鈥ooking
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.