Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R


*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want


Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.


The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.


-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator


Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.


My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?


teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did


Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?


“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”