Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My inexpensive home security system…
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons