@sixfootcandy

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

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@hoplesslycrazy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.

@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@ieatanddrink

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

@Metalligretch

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

@GabbbarSingh

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

@brunopieroni

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

@envydatropic

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.