Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”