I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.