I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
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Me: Same
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.