Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
adam and eve had first world problems
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.