me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent