Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Brother?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler