SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Person: “That’s a beautiful baby.”
Me: “Thanks, I named him after his grandpa.”
Person: “Awe, what’s his name?”
I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping