Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
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Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.