ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

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*to commander*
Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*


What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad


This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.


Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.


Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.


I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.