ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
worst…sale…ever
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?