@TeaAndCopy

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

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@prodigis

*to commander*
Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*

@BoogTweets

What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

@HatfieldAnne

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

@DavidKlein5

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

@VancityReynolds

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.