ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
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POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Don’t touch that.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Mad Max Arctic Road
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.