Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.