My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Denise please return my vape pen
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.