Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Ken is short for chicken
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”