Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.