@ArfMeasures

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

You Might Also Like

@hatehug

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

@TheQuietPsycho

CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it’s the spirit of a loved one. I think that’s my mom
Me: that’s nice. Your mom just shit on that guy

@Ameiam

Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@kayleighpuget

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

@bourgeoisalien

I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, “Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?”

@MindyFurano

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

@BrooksErrDay584

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@Shen_the_Bird

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door