Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.


CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it’s the spirit of a loved one. I think that’s my mom
Me: that’s nice. Your mom just shit on that guy


Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.


Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.


“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.


I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, “Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?”


Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.


*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*


robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT


me: can you close the door