ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
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Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Nothing.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
ouch
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Ironic
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.