Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.