Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too