Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
You Might Also Like
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Schrödinger’s cookie
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.