Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I’ve been drinking.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Sign at work today
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds