me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

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do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success


Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are


Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.


I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece


My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.


She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.



Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when


I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.


DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]