@mrjohndarby

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

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@FeelingFisky

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

@CatsVsHumanity

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

@ddsmidt

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

@Riocakes

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

@AngelaEhh

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

@iGreenGod

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

@ThugRaccoons

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

@Cheeseboy22

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]