me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
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I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS