Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich