Everyone in horror movies:
It was probably just the wind
*a ghost flies across room*
Just the wind
*dog gets cut in half*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
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Ma’am, step through again
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.