Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Gemma Correll
Does it…does it take 3 days
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG