ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper