Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
an octopus is just a wet spider
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa’s clothes but lost his grandpa’s work ethic.