How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Boating season is upon us.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.