Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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They got Raph!
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
wish me luck lads
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.