Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
i hate you platonically
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.