Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
what?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
An odd boast
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?