Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
There are few problems in life that can’t be sorted by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and THEN drawing winged eyeliner on a raccoon.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Her: that’s disgusting
Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes
Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed