Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“you recording!?”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely