If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
but was it fire…?