@lisaxy424

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

You Might Also Like

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

@DadandBuried

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

@Writepop

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

@MichaelTrying

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

@rationalists

The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@3sunzzz

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

@MandiAtRandom

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

@_chismosa_

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-